Hello world! August 10, 2010

As my husband and I rapidly approach our one year anniversary, I look back over the things I have learned this past year and wonder- WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WARN ME?!?!?!  I am amazed at some of the things that don’t get talked about or discussed between married and married folks, married and single folks, and heck- married and any folks who will listen.

I hope by sharing my highlights and lowlights that I can bring a little laughter, reality, sympathy, empathy, understanding, and at the very least- the sense that you are not alone!

Let us begin…

Wife forbidden to plan romantic trips December 10, 2009

Originally written beginning of December 2009:

So we stayed in a hotel in Chicago for Thanksgiving.  Me, thinking I wanted a romantic hotel getaway and whenever we’ve gone to see his family I have seen this billboard for the Essence Suites.  The billboard is cute and their website is really nice.  So I mentioned to the husby that I wanted to stay there.  Like the good man he is, he of course surprised me with a stay there.  We pulled up to the Essence Suites and I was kinda apprehensive.  The website makes the rooms seem large and spacious but as we pulled up and saw how the doors were closely together, I began to worry about the size of the room and the quality of this stay.  Then when we got to check in, the receptionist required ID’s of both guests with the requirement that all guests be at least 21.  I was like HUH?!?!?!

So…going along with it…we checked in and went to our room.  OMG!  It smelled of disgusting sex covered up with the strongest potpourri I have ever smelled.  The floors were concrete, the bed was MASSIVE w mirrors and lighting above it.  ALL the lights in the room were red!!!!  The only carpeting was at the headboard of the bed and covered the bed frame.  This was clearly a BOOM BOOM ROOM!!  The entire room included a half kitchen, bathroom, a humungo bed- all in the size of half of a standard living room.  My husband and I just kept eyeing each other.  I wouldn’t even take off my shoes and I couldn’t imagine how I was gonna sleep in the bed.  NOT to mention that I didnt bring REAL pajamas so I was planning on sleeping fully clothed!!

Anyways, as if everything wasn’t enough of a warning sign, I went to check out the bathroom and what’s sitting on the bathroom counter?  NOT shampoo!  NOT conditioner and lotion!!  But… condoms and lube!!!!!!  LOL!  I closed the bathroom door and behind the bathroom door was this black folded up contraption in a bag.  Just as I noticed it- my husband began reading the note left by the hotel in each room.  He began reading about the “novelty swing” behind the bathroom door!!!!  OMG!  After that, he said…”Get your stuff together!  We’re getting out of here!”

This is SOOOOOO the place husbands take their mistresses or backup porn filming locations or the place a high schooler with a fake ID takes a date in order to score.  It was disgusting!

My husband and I checked into our usual DoubleTree Hotel.  Once we got into our room, we looked at each other and just BUSTED OUT LAUGHING!!!!

http://www.essencesuites.com/

Secrets behind sexy lingerie November 10, 2009

This happened in November 2009:

So… This might be a little bit more than you really want to know but I promise you will be cracking up…

So last night, I decided that I was gonna bust out some lingerie.  When we were in Hollywood we went to Fredericks of Hollywood and I got a bunch of stuff.  One of them was this little red stringy number that was SOOOO cute on the mannequin (http://www.fredericks.com/Strappy_Stretch_Satin_Teddy/92541,default,pd.html?cgid=lingerie).  So I decided to bust that one out.  My husband was already in the room so I had to get sexied-up in the bathroom.  (Mental note to self– keep some lingerie and sex related items in the bathroom).  Anyway, so I got to looking at this little red stringy number and could NOT figure it out.  My husband must’ve known I was getting sexy but couldn’t figure out why it was taking me so long.  It took me OVER 30 minutes to lay it out the way it should be worn and figure what string goes where.  Mind you, I have an adversion to thongs- not so much that I dont like thongs as much as I dont like things in my butt.

As if that wasn’t enough, putting it on was a whole other adventure.  I fell over twice in the bathroom!  My leg would go through the wrong string combinations.  My arms were in the wrong combo.  I ended up cutting some strings.  And my proportions are funny so the size of the piece fit my torso length but the boobies part did NOT fit and had my boobs squeezed SO tight, my boobs were splooging over all over the place(I need a small in the body and L in the boobs).  I finally had to put a bra under it to make it look right but I was irritated about that cause it meant starting all over trying to put the darn thing back on.  Mind you, by this time, I had been in the bathroom well over an hour.  My husband was knocking on the door.  I had to take the darn thing off a few times between putting it on wrong and having to pee.

FINALLY, I had it figured it out- my version of it anyways, since I had cut a few of the strings that I couldn’t figure out off- they are now headbands!!!!!!  I got to the room and my husband was KNOCKED OUT!  I had put in TOO much work for that so I WOKE HIM UP!!!!  OH YES I DID!  I let him know that whatever was going to happen was going to happen with this thing on cause there was no graceful way to take it off nor was there any easy way that I knew of currently to take it off.  In the end, all parties were pretty satisfied- though I ended up sleeping in the darn thing cause I didn’t feel like the drama of taking it off and I STILL struggled to take the darn thing off when I went to take a shower this morning.  You heard of sleep lines?  How about lingerie lines?

Moral of the story– if takes more than one person to figure it out and put it on, it defeats the purpose!  I am also starting a petition to lingerie manufacturers to encourage them that they need not feel like they need to design and create pieces that perplex our minds and thinking!!!!!